My (bumpy) road to happiness
Hi there!
My name is Nathalie. I am a proud French Canadian from the province of Quebec. I live in a small village called Sainte Irène. We are about 350 people living in this very small place where i found exactly what I was dreaming of. This first blog is a little réflexion I had throughout the years and that I wanted to share with you. I have been through a lot in my life and if one woman can relate to my story and be inspired then my job will be done. So sit back, relax and here is my réflexion on happiness, depression and the importance of listening to your inner voice 😘
In 2009, I was studying to become a coach/personal trainer at Laval University in the gorgeous city of Quebec. This program was amazing! But it wasn't really for me...I realized that sport was my personal passion, a me-time where I coule get everything out of my system and ressource myself. I was giving spinning classes, group classes, I was training swimming athletes and I also had my own running club a whole summer, thanks to my good friend Marie-Hélène for her trust! But all of this didn't do it and it was not feeling right to me...I loved the fact that I was inspiring people to get further , I loved to be surrounded by athletes and passionate people that were as motivated as me...but every season, there was a moment when I just didn't want to go to work or devote myself to my athletes. I was loosing interest in what I was doing and all I wanted was to leave everything behind and go. Just go, it didn't matter where or what I would do, I just wanted to leave. I didn't understand why this was happening to me but I always managed to convince myself that it would pass, that it was just a phase...but no, it never did pass. It even got worst.
I decided to take a desk office job, a wonderful 8 to 5... just like real adults! I told myself:"Alright girl, you gotta grow up, you have to get a job with stability and insurance...apparently, that is what you need to be happy...everybody is doing it so I guess it works!" Well I found that job...that I hated with every fiber of my body. I was miserable, I felt trapped in an infinite nightmare in so many aspects of my life. The only moments I felt great was when I was giving my spinning classes or when I was running. Happiness with the big H was no where to be found, no matter what I was doing.
I was always feeling sad and tired. I remember at a certain point I would get up crying, getting ready for work still tears in my eyes uncontrollably, convincing myself that I could do it, that everything would be fine. I remember coming back home one day and collapsing on the living-room floor, crying, not knowing how I would be able to go through another day like that. On weekends, when I was on the bus, I had to close my eyes each time I would pass by the office building because just looking at it made tears rushing down my face, I had knots in my stomach and my throat would become tight. I knew I couldn't keep going like that but how...I was 26 years old, I was told I was having a burn out after I went to therapy. My carrier and my adult life had just started...and I was already burned out.
I was desappointed and frustrated at me. What was I going to say to my parents who had paid for my degree? Would they be mad? Were they going to compare me to my two brothers who already had good jobs? What was I going to tell my friends? What would they think of me? I knew exactly what they were going to think; that I was weak, that I was a looser, unable to manage stress...well that's what I thought of me so obviously, that was what they were going to think! I was a looser who couldn't do anything right. The only thing I felt I was good at was lifeguarding.
So I went back to lifeguarding, in fall 2012 because a lifeguard once, a lifeguard for ever! I had spend my summer doing nothing...litterally. I wondered in Quebec city, doing yoga next to the St-Charles River and my only income was my 5 spinning classes per weeks. I was trying to rebuilt my confidence, a sustainable happiness and get my legendary energy back. The always happy and positive girl that I was. Instead, a pessimist, grumpy, exhausted person had taking control of my thoughts and I wanted to get rid of that state of mind so desperately. I started as a lifeguard at the Quebec YWCA, then as an aquafitness teacher and a few months later, I was the manager of the pool and aquatic program...right behind a desk all day. As if I had not learn from my previous mistakes from what I was trying to get back up from...but I had found stability again, I was back on the adult train kinda life and could afford to buy my first car, the NatMobile!
Once again, something was not feeling right. Even if I was working with amazing and inspiring women, even if my clients were wonderful and strong women, I still wanted to leave it all behind and do something else. I then started an inner questonning and asked myself what made me feel confident, proud and alive? What was making me feel so empty and depress ever since I had come back from my summers in Ocean City as a Surf Rescue technican? This dreamy place where I felt so great and happy? Yes...you are going to tell me:Come oooon Nat! Duuuuuh! Isn't it obvious? The Beach! Parties! Surfing! Helloooooo!!! Well, of course but I had friends here with whom I was partying, I had the St-Laurent River and the St-Charles River behind my appartment...so what was wrong? And then it hit me, like a huge wave that take you by surprise...(yep, coudln't help it...it was too easy..lifeguard, ocean, wave) I was missing the feeling of being useful, to save lifes. The only job I had ever done and that I never felt like working, ever! So in 2014, I applied to become a paramedic (EMT) at the age of 29. I was accepted and I started school in August that same year, I was then 30 years old! I had my degree two years later but I couldn't start working right away because I still had to pass an examn administered by the Health Department in my province (yes...we french canadian are different and weird...) I so started a job at Ahuntsic College in Montreal wich helped me get back on my feet financially and prepare me for the career ahead of me.
Here I am, a proud paramedic in Bas St-Laurent-Gaspésie! I never felt this great and alive in my entire life. I finaly found a place I can call Home Sweet Home!
Pendant toutes ces années, j'ai tout de même réussi à vivre du bonheur parce que c'est juste ma nature; une optimiste finie! mais il y a eu des moments très sombres qui m'ont submergés et le vide avait son emprise sur moi. J'ai réussi à remonter la pente mais pas toute seule; ma famille et mes amis ont toujours été à mes côtés et des gens sur qui je pouvais compter. On a parlé, on a pleuré, on a rit et on a crié mais au moins ça sortait! Ils n'étaient pas toujours d'accord avec mes choix (certains ne le sont toujours pas) mais c'est ce dont j'avais besoin, qu'on me pousse à réfléchir pour moi, d'aller plus loin que le American dream parce que clairement, ça ne me convenait pas. Je dois mon succès à toutes les personnes qui sont entrées dans ma vie et qui ont cru en moi dans les moments où je doutais. Il y a eu des moments (la majorités du temps en fait) où je ne comprenais pas pourquoi ça m'arrivait mais je sais maintenant que la vie a un plan pour nous. Bien sûr, nous sommes maître de notre futur mais je crois sincèrement que nous sommes nés pour une raison et notre job dans la vie est de trouver pourquoi. On le découvre à travers les hauts et les bas si on prête attention et la vie nous conduit là où nous devons être au bon moment, quand nous sommes prêt à l'accepter.
My name is Nathalie. I am a proud French Canadian from the province of Quebec. I live in a small village called Sainte Irène. We are about 350 people living in this very small place where i found exactly what I was dreaming of. This first blog is a little réflexion I had throughout the years and that I wanted to share with you. I have been through a lot in my life and if one woman can relate to my story and be inspired then my job will be done. So sit back, relax and here is my réflexion on happiness, depression and the importance of listening to your inner voice 😘
In 2009, I was studying to become a coach/personal trainer at Laval University in the gorgeous city of Quebec. This program was amazing! But it wasn't really for me...I realized that sport was my personal passion, a me-time where I coule get everything out of my system and ressource myself. I was giving spinning classes, group classes, I was training swimming athletes and I also had my own running club a whole summer, thanks to my good friend Marie-Hélène for her trust! But all of this didn't do it and it was not feeling right to me...I loved the fact that I was inspiring people to get further , I loved to be surrounded by athletes and passionate people that were as motivated as me...but every season, there was a moment when I just didn't want to go to work or devote myself to my athletes. I was loosing interest in what I was doing and all I wanted was to leave everything behind and go. Just go, it didn't matter where or what I would do, I just wanted to leave. I didn't understand why this was happening to me but I always managed to convince myself that it would pass, that it was just a phase...but no, it never did pass. It even got worst.
I decided to take a desk office job, a wonderful 8 to 5... just like real adults! I told myself:"Alright girl, you gotta grow up, you have to get a job with stability and insurance...apparently, that is what you need to be happy...everybody is doing it so I guess it works!" Well I found that job...that I hated with every fiber of my body. I was miserable, I felt trapped in an infinite nightmare in so many aspects of my life. The only moments I felt great was when I was giving my spinning classes or when I was running. Happiness with the big H was no where to be found, no matter what I was doing.
I was always feeling sad and tired. I remember at a certain point I would get up crying, getting ready for work still tears in my eyes uncontrollably, convincing myself that I could do it, that everything would be fine. I remember coming back home one day and collapsing on the living-room floor, crying, not knowing how I would be able to go through another day like that. On weekends, when I was on the bus, I had to close my eyes each time I would pass by the office building because just looking at it made tears rushing down my face, I had knots in my stomach and my throat would become tight. I knew I couldn't keep going like that but how...I was 26 years old, I was told I was having a burn out after I went to therapy. My carrier and my adult life had just started...and I was already burned out.
I was desappointed and frustrated at me. What was I going to say to my parents who had paid for my degree? Would they be mad? Were they going to compare me to my two brothers who already had good jobs? What was I going to tell my friends? What would they think of me? I knew exactly what they were going to think; that I was weak, that I was a looser, unable to manage stress...well that's what I thought of me so obviously, that was what they were going to think! I was a looser who couldn't do anything right. The only thing I felt I was good at was lifeguarding.
So I went back to lifeguarding, in fall 2012 because a lifeguard once, a lifeguard for ever! I had spend my summer doing nothing...litterally. I wondered in Quebec city, doing yoga next to the St-Charles River and my only income was my 5 spinning classes per weeks. I was trying to rebuilt my confidence, a sustainable happiness and get my legendary energy back. The always happy and positive girl that I was. Instead, a pessimist, grumpy, exhausted person had taking control of my thoughts and I wanted to get rid of that state of mind so desperately. I started as a lifeguard at the Quebec YWCA, then as an aquafitness teacher and a few months later, I was the manager of the pool and aquatic program...right behind a desk all day. As if I had not learn from my previous mistakes from what I was trying to get back up from...but I had found stability again, I was back on the adult train kinda life and could afford to buy my first car, the NatMobile!
Once again, something was not feeling right. Even if I was working with amazing and inspiring women, even if my clients were wonderful and strong women, I still wanted to leave it all behind and do something else. I then started an inner questonning and asked myself what made me feel confident, proud and alive? What was making me feel so empty and depress ever since I had come back from my summers in Ocean City as a Surf Rescue technican? This dreamy place where I felt so great and happy? Yes...you are going to tell me:Come oooon Nat! Duuuuuh! Isn't it obvious? The Beach! Parties! Surfing! Helloooooo!!! Well, of course but I had friends here with whom I was partying, I had the St-Laurent River and the St-Charles River behind my appartment...so what was wrong? And then it hit me, like a huge wave that take you by surprise...(yep, coudln't help it...it was too easy..lifeguard, ocean, wave) I was missing the feeling of being useful, to save lifes. The only job I had ever done and that I never felt like working, ever! So in 2014, I applied to become a paramedic (EMT) at the age of 29. I was accepted and I started school in August that same year, I was then 30 years old! I had my degree two years later but I couldn't start working right away because I still had to pass an examn administered by the Health Department in my province (yes...we french canadian are different and weird...) I so started a job at Ahuntsic College in Montreal wich helped me get back on my feet financially and prepare me for the career ahead of me.
Here I am, a proud paramedic in Bas St-Laurent-Gaspésie! I never felt this great and alive in my entire life. I finaly found a place I can call Home Sweet Home!
Pendant toutes ces années, j'ai tout de même réussi à vivre du bonheur parce que c'est juste ma nature; une optimiste finie! mais il y a eu des moments très sombres qui m'ont submergés et le vide avait son emprise sur moi. J'ai réussi à remonter la pente mais pas toute seule; ma famille et mes amis ont toujours été à mes côtés et des gens sur qui je pouvais compter. On a parlé, on a pleuré, on a rit et on a crié mais au moins ça sortait! Ils n'étaient pas toujours d'accord avec mes choix (certains ne le sont toujours pas) mais c'est ce dont j'avais besoin, qu'on me pousse à réfléchir pour moi, d'aller plus loin que le American dream parce que clairement, ça ne me convenait pas. Je dois mon succès à toutes les personnes qui sont entrées dans ma vie et qui ont cru en moi dans les moments où je doutais. Il y a eu des moments (la majorités du temps en fait) où je ne comprenais pas pourquoi ça m'arrivait mais je sais maintenant que la vie a un plan pour nous. Bien sûr, nous sommes maître de notre futur mais je crois sincèrement que nous sommes nés pour une raison et notre job dans la vie est de trouver pourquoi. On le découvre à travers les hauts et les bas si on prête attention et la vie nous conduit là où nous devons être au bon moment, quand nous sommes prêt à l'accepter.
Aaaaawww! C’est donc bien l’fun! Merci Nathalie pour ce beau partage! ��
RépondreSupprimerÇa me fait plaisir Céline :) xxx
SupprimerJ'aurais tant de choses à dire. Tu le sais, pour te l'avoir souvent dit, que je suis très fière de ce que tu es devenue. Et avec toutes ces paroles de sagesse, ça me le confirme. Ton parcours de vie est unique. Nos parents avant nous, nous ont transmis l'entraide entre nous. Et les vrais ami(e)s que Dieu met sur notre route aussi. C'est ce beau mélange qui fait ce que tu es aujourd'hui et sera demain. En tant que mère, j'aurais voulu t'éviter tous ces pleurs et angoisses mais en même temps, tu devais découvrir qui tu étais et j'étais là pour t'épauler. Oui, ce que tu appelles "la vie" pour moi, c'est Dieu qui a un plan pour nous et il faut l'accepter. Il y aura encore quelques embûches car la vie est un combat. Mais dis-toi bien que Dieu ne nous envoie aucune épreuve que l'on ne peut surmonter car il nous connaît. She is only happy on spring, summer, autumn and winter sports. Maman qui t'aime.xx
SupprimerMerci pour ces bons mots :) je t'aime aussi xxx et merci de m'avoir laissé me planter, j'en avais besoin hihi! ;)
Supprimer